Crying

I don't remember crying much in front of people. Not that I was trying to be strong or put up a front that everything was just fine. I guess I am just not someone who cries a lot. I remember the first time I realized adults cried; it was during fast and testimony meeting and I must of been about six years old. I looked up at the person speaking and thought to my self, hmmmm I thought only kids cried. I also remember seeing my dad cry for the first time. My parents had dropped me off at BYU and they were walking down the hall of my dorms. My dad turned around to say good bye and he had been crying. I am sure it was a combination of how proud he was of me and also sadness for leaving his baby girl alone in another state so far from home. (My kids on the other hand have seen me cry many, many times!)
One of my memories: I went to the hospital to hear the news, the doctors have finally figured out what was making Rob so sick. I had spent the last three days at the hospital with him. We had to keep the room completely dark, because the light increased his nausea. They had him so medicated that he slept most of the time. His mother flew in the night before, so I was able to go home for the first night since checking Rob into the hospital. Jennifer showed up at my house and said I needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. I barely remember driving there and soon found myself walking down the familiar hospital halls which lead to his room. I opened the door and quickly realized something was different; the lights were on and Rob was sitting up in his bed. Our eyes met and I'll never forget the look he gave me. It's a look you never want from your spouse; I'm so sorry. I could just tell by his look that it wasn't good news. I felt my knees start to buckle beneath me and suddenly I realized Adrienne was standing next to me holding me up. She had both her arms around me and whispered in my ear, you be strong! Something in me just clicked and took over. I walked over to Rob and just held him as he cried and cried.
Eleven weeks later I was in a funeral home with Adrienne and my dad. We were picking out a casket for Rob. I sat down on the bench and just started to cry and cry and cry. I remember thinking: How could this possibly be my life? How was I picking out a casket for Rob at the age of 32? How could I go forward? Both my dad and Adrienne just hugged me. I am sure they felt the same as me. How could they be doing this for there son? I know my dad wanted to take my pain and grief away from his little girl, but couldn't. How life seemed so cruel and unfair. That was one of my darkest hours, one of the times I could not control my emotions. At the time I thought, there will never be light in my life again. No happiness, no joy, only darkness. I turned to the Lord and the scriptures for comfort. I had faith that all would turn out fine, but I didn't know how or when. Think about the sun rising, how it slowly comes over the mountains. It doesn't just start bright one second, but if you are watching it rise, you don't notice it getting brighter and brighter till after a period of time. I didn't notice that the Lord was bringing light back into life, till I would look back at where I was a month before and I could see the progress I had made. I didn't notice it from day to day, but I could see the Lord hand in my life if I looked backed over longer periods of times. I never thought I could have as much happiness in my life as I do now. I didn't think it was possible to love again. I knew the Lord would bless me, but I never imagined He would bless me so abundantly with an amazing husband and a gorgeous baby girl. My faith turned to trust. And now as I go forward, I know as I keep the commandments and go forward the Lord is always there by my side. I know for some it seems so dark and they feel as if daylight will never come, but I promise it will! So now when I cry, I truly do understand it is just for a moment, until the sun rises again!

Sunday Will Come

I know I have not posted in FOREVER, as many of my family members remind me of often. Life has been insanely busy. Steve and I are expecting a little girl in May! For any of you who have had the joy of being around me while pregnant totally understand how fun I am right now with two months left!

Last week I had two different people come up to me and wanted some advice. Both of them had good friends who were suddenly widows at a very young age with kids. I felt so helpless for these women. Every situation is different, every one is unique in their own way. For me, I turned to the Lord by reading my scriptures and talks from the apostles. I am fortunate enough to go around and speak to the youth about trusting and turning to the Lord during difficult times. This last weekend I spoke to two different group of youths. I share mine and Rob's journal entries during his sickness. I share what scriptures and talks helped me the most during the most difficult time in my life.

I have many favorite scriptures and conference talks! I am not sure if I had shared this story before, so if I have, I'm sorry.

We buried Rob on a Friday. Sunday morning Jake (9 at the time) came into my room and asked where's daddy? I was confused by his question. I said, Jake remember he was buried on Friday. He looked at me again and said, no where's daddy? It's been three days, where's daddy? I finally realized what Jake meant. I grabbed him and hugged him as he said to me Jesus was resurrected in three days, it's been three days, where's daddy? I was so impressed by the faith of my son, his understanding of the scriptures and his knowledge of our resurrected Savior. I just hugged him and cried. I told him, yes Jake your daddy will be resurrected, just not today. He will be made whole again, he will be able to walk again, he just won't be resurrected for awhile.

In October 2006 General Conference, Elder Joseph B Wirthlin gave a wonderful talk called Sunday Will Come. http://lds.org/ensign/2006/11/sunday-will-come?lang=eng Here is my favorite part from his talk:

"Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

I want everyone to know everyone to know this is true. I know Sunday will come. I know that no matter our grief, no matter our pain, as we turn to the Lord that is where we can find peace and comfort.

Faith

As I looked at my husband lying in the hospital bed with IVs hooked up to him, the thought ran through my mind, I can't do this...again. Steve had a minor procedure done and he was lying in a hospital bed, and I was on the verge of panicking. In my mind I knew everything was going to be fine, there was very little risk. But what if.....what if something went wrong. What if he didn't come out and he was gone. What if they found something that would lead to more treatments and more hospital visits. WHAT IF?? Almost as soon as I started to panic, and warm feeling came over me and I thought, if the "what if" happened, I know I would be fine. Not because I had been a widow before, but because I knew the Lord would be by my side. I was able to get through everything with Rob, with the Lord's help. I could never of done it on my own. I had seen the Lord answer my prayers and bless my family in so many different ways that I knew He would be there again when I need Him. I knew this with every cell of my body. The Lord is there for you and for me. Sunday our lesson in Relief Society was on faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. We talked about how you build faith with the little things every day. Praying, reading the scriptures, and attending your church meetings. There are many little things we do everyday, with faith, believing in certain outcomes. For example; we have faith that if we run everyday that we are getting into better shape. We won't get into better shape by only running once a month. And when you first start running to get back onto shape, it takes awhile to see your efforts pay off. But it does happen after time. You do not get into shape just because you want to. It takes time and work. Same with faith. It takes time and work (studying the scriptures, prayer, keeping the commandments). I wouldn't have been able to have sufficient faith to go through my trials if I started praying the day we found out Rob had cancer. If I didn't already know that the Lord does answer prayers. I knew the comfort that came from having the habit of reading my scriptures. It does take a lot of work to have faith, but honestly having a great amount of faith makes the trials a lot easier. I have seen the Lord bless my life during the hardest time anyone could ever imagine. The spirit testified to me, as I looked at Steve in the hospital, everything would be fine with the Lord's help. I know this to be true. I have seen it in my life again and again.

Pure Joy

There are few times in your life when you feel pure joy. Typically pure joy comes through some type of service. As it states in the scriptures, "when ye are in service of your fellow beings ye are in the service of your God." As we serve others, we are doing things for them that sometimes they cannot do for themselves. We understand our dependence on one another, but moslyt we understand how we cannot make it through this life without our Saviour. There is no other way.
Being a mother is one of the most selfless jobs on the earth. There seems to be more complaints than thank yous, more eye rolling than help, and most of all some how our children are smarter than us! I love being a mother. It was hard during the toddlers years. I put my life on hold, so I can be the mother the Lord wanted. (Trust me I am in no way saying I am a good mother, just ask my children.) Everyone has said, enjoy these years, they go by so fast, which they do! I have found the good out ways the bad, thank you starts to come more sincerely, and they realize you were the smartest mother ever (not quiet there yet with my children, but I am sure there with my parents!)
Today I had one of the most rewarding feeling ever. Jake lives in his big brother Robbie's shadow. Robbie is faster, smarter and stronger than Jake. Not a day goes by that he doesn't let Jake know this. We tell Robbie and Jake all the time, this is only because Robbie is older, the field will level out once you both are a little older. Where as Robbie is a natural athlete, Jake needs to work very a little harder. This week was football try outs. There is an A team and a B team. I don't want to get into all the million of things wrong with youth sports, but still there are two teams. As you would think the A team gets to pick all the players they want and all the other players go on the B team. This is Robbie and Jake's second year playing football. Last year we missed try outs due to a family vacation, so of course theyboth were put on the B team. Not saying they would have even made the A team if they were in town, but most of these boys have been playing together since second grade and very few boys get a chance on the A team. Neither of my boys wanted to go to try outs this year. Robbie was already on a team, since Steve is helping coach. Jake didn't want to try out, because he just figured he was already going to be on the B team so why try. I talked to Jake and told him to do his hardest no matter what! Jake is so stinkin cute! This is a boy that needed to be told not to smile while he played sports. He just loves to play! Yesterday when I picked Jake up from try outs, he told me he thought he made the A team. I said that would be good, but there aren't many spots open on the team. I didn't want him to get his hopes up, but knowing Jake he would be happy with whatever team he was put on. This morning I went to pick him up he walked over with the biggest smile I have ever seen. I rolled down the window and asked what was up and he said, Mom I made the A team. I jumped out of the car and gave him the biggest hug ever. I can't even explain the joy I had for him. I totally started crying! I honestly rather have my kids be far more successful than me. The joy is like no other. It's kind of selfish because seeing them succeed is a greater feeling than I get when I do anything good. Being a parent, you understand your Heavenly Father love for you. You began to understand how He wants you to succeed in life. He wants you to be happy. Some times things in life seem too hard, but He knows if we try our hardest, we will be happier. I love ALL my children. Not a day doesn't go by that I don't thank my Heavenly Father for all my blessings. I know all I have is a blessing from the Lord!

Be Grateful

I had the wonderful chance of meeting the Prophet, President Thomas S. Monson. Steve and I were at game 3 of the Jazz/Lakers series. As we were sitting in our seats waiting for the game to start, we hear someone say, "win, win, WIN!" We were surprised to turn around and see President Monson walking into the suite with a big smile on his face. With such a close game, most everyone there was glued to all the action on the court. At half time I was up getting ice cream when President Monson got up to stretch his legs. He smiled and shook my hand. I looked into his eyes and said, "I just want to say thank you." He looked at me with questioning eyes and replied, "for what?" I was shocked by his response, in my head I was thinking, for everything; your wonderful talks, leading the church, being a special witness of Christ, where do I start? I simply said to him, "for everything." I didn't know how to express how much gratitude I had for the countless hours he devotes to the church. The many trips he must travel to lead the Lord's church. For absolutely everything he does for me, someone he doesn't even know, whose life he had blessed in different ways I can't even start to list all the comfort and counsel he has given me in talks. After I said those two simple words, he just smiled, waved his hand in such a humble way, like you don't need to thank me, I haven't done anything special. We both went back to watching the game and he quietly left after the missed shot at the end of the game. I have thought how wonderful it was that I had a chance to personally thank the Prophet for all he does. I know how lost and miserable my life would be without a living prophet in my life.

I have been thinking a lot about being grateful and having a positive attitude and how these two principals go together. People who tend to be grateful, tend to look at the positive side of things. Is it possible to be thankful for trials? Absolutely! Here are two different accounts of the same situation found in 1 Nephi 17. First here is Nephi's account:
And it came to pass that we did again take our journey in the wilderness; and we did travel nearly eastward from that time forth. And we did travel and wade through much affliction in the wilderness; and our women did bear children in the wilderness.
And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings.
And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness.
And we did sojourn for the space of many years, yea, even eight years in the wilderness.
And we did come to the land which we called Bountiful, because of its much fruit and also wild honey; and all these things were prepared of the Lord that we might not perish. And we beheld the sea, which we called Irreantum, which, being interpreted, is many waters.
And it came to pass that we did pitch our tents by the seashore; and notwithstanding we had suffered many afflictions and much difficulty, yea, even so much that we cannot write them all, we were exceedingly rejoiced when we came to the seashore; and we called the place Bountiful, because of its much fruit.
Now here is what Laman and Lemuel had to say:
And thou art like unto our father, led away by the foolish imaginations of his heart; yea, he hath led us out of the land of Jerusalem, and we have wandered in the wilderness for these many years; and our women have toiled, being big with child; and they have borne children in the wilderness and suffered all things, save it were death; and it would have been better that they had died before they came out of Jerusalem than to have suffered these afflictions.
Behold, these many years we have suffered in the wilderness, which time we might have enjoyed our possessions and the land of our inheritance; yea, and we might have been happy.

See the difference? When we go through difficult times, do we blame our loving Heavenly Father? Do we look for those around us to blame? Or do we look at how we have we are given a chance to grow? Do we look at what can we learn from this situation? I often think of Rob's response to being told he had stage 4 cancer:
It reminds me one of my favorite stories in 3rd Nephi. The righteous people have been awaiting the miracle of the Savior's birth. They waited "steadfastly​" without a murmur. The night was now at hand, the Saviour was to be born that very next day or they would be put to death. How does one handle that? What do you tell your children that evening you prepare for bed? Do you beg for your life and that of your love ones?
As Nephi prayed for his people he heard The Lord tell him to "Lift up his head and be of good cheer...on the morrow come I into the world." I doubt sweeter words had ever been uttered to Nephi! What an answer to a simply heart felt prayer. Never did he ask for what to do, or can Thou change this or that. Simply, please help us know what to do.
As I look at my family and where we go from here I think those simple things. What does The Lord need us to learn? Are we willing to do it?
I love you all,
Robbie
I wouldn't say we were grateful for the cancer. But this I do know; I would not know how to rely on the Lord with going through this trial. I would not know power of the scriptures, prayer, fasting and service. I would not know how many people cared so much for us, willing to make enormous sacrifices to help our family. I didn't know how much my faith and dependence on the Lord would grow. I am thankful for so much. I feel so abundantly blessed, actually I know I am so abundantly blessed. I have received blessing from the Lord, through so many people, they can't be named. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Remember to count your blessings name them one by one. Count your blessings see what God hath done.

Murmuring

I wonder if it is a teenager thing, but murmuring could actually drive me to insanity! I think my children love to complain, just for the art of complaining. I have said to them, even if I give you a million dollars I am sure you would complain about how hard it is to spend that much money. This morning as I was reading in my scriptures, I came across one of my favorite stories in 1 Nephi. This story actually made me worry a little bit about the amount of murmuring my children actually do...
First let's start in 1 Nephi 3:1. Notice how after Nephi had a spiritual experience with the Lord, he first went to the tent of his father. Nephi desired to know the things his father knew, and the Lord blessed him with this knowledge. I had never noticed before how he than went first to share his wonderful experience with his dad. What a wonderful insight to their close relationship. Lehi than tells Nephi of something hard Nephi and his brothers are going to have to do for the Lord. They needed to go back to Jerusalem and get the plates of brass from Laban. Lehi said, "I have not required it of them, but it is a commandment of the Lord." Those who know the story, understand the difficulties of this commandment. Lehi understood. Nephi and his brothers understood. I LOVE verse 6 and what it says, "Therefore go, my son, and thou shalt be favored of the Lord, because thou hast not murmured." Nephi is being favored, yes favored of the Lord because he did not complain about what the Lord has asked him to do. The Lord did not say, I love you more than your brethren because you choose the right. No, the Lord says you are favored for not murmuring. I tell my children this all the time. One child will be favored over the other for being obedient. It doesn't mean I love one child more than the other, it just means the one child who listens to me and does what I ask without murmuring, I am usually a lot nicer too! Lehi even feels the blessing of having a child not complain. We don't have the account of Lehi telling Laman and Lemuel to go back to Jerusalem, but we can assumed by Lehi's response to Nephi's willingness, (my father was exceedingly glad) that things didn't go as well with the older brothers.
The Lord gave Nephi a commandment and expected him to fulfill it. This is the part of the story I love! Just because we have been giving a commandment to do something, doesn't mean it is going to be easy! Also, it doesn't mean we will be able to do it on our first try! After their first failed attempt, Laman and Lemuel were ready to head back to their father and throw in the towel. But Nephi said no! Not till they accomplish what the Lord had commanded them to do (1 Nephi 3:15). Nephi said, "let us be faithfil in keeping the commandments of the Lord" (1 Nephi 3:16). Going to get the plates was a commandment of the Lord and Nephi was going to keep the commandments. Nephi then had to persuade (1 Nephi 3:21) his brothers into being faithful to the commandments of God. If you have to "persuade" someone into keeping the commandments, the chances are they are not keeping them for the right reason and are likely going to have a change of heart. They tried a second time, and failed! This time Laman and Lemuel started taking their frustration out on Nephi and Sam, until an angel came and said; First stop hitting your brothers and second the Lord will make it possible for you to get the plates. And after the angel left, Laman and Lemuel STILL MURMURED, saying how can the Lord make this possible. They just had an angel tell them they were going to get the plates and they still were complaining! Nephi then goes on to testify of the power of God and how through God the Red Seas were parted and how an angel told them this commandment was possible. Yet they still continue to murmur (1 Nephi 4:4). How destructive is murmuring? I read this account and think: I do not want my children to end up like Laman and Lemule. Through out 1 Nephi you can see how their murmuring brought many trials and difficulties that could have been avoided. When we keep the commandments and are obedient to the will of the Lord, we will be blessed or highly favored of the Lord. Sometimes, no wait, a lot of the time, it will take a huge amount of faith to keep the commandments. And it will seem absolutely impossible to do what the Lord has asked of you. But here is one of many stories in the scriptures that show how the Lord provides a way for those willing to keep His commandments. I also have countless times in my life when the Lord has blessed me for keeping His commandments. Trust me, it hasn't always been easy, and even at times it took countless efforts, but the Lord was always there helping me. I love the scriptures. I love the insights and understandings I receive when I study them consistently. I just hope I am able to show my children the importance the scriptures in their lives. Also that they might possibly ease up on the murmuring!