One speaking out of the dust

Two years ago this morning, Rob couldn't be woken up. I had to make one of the hardest calls of my life to his family and tell them to jump on a plane and come say good bye to their son and brother. At times this seems like another life and at other times it seems just like yesterday. Last night I went through and read some of Caring Bridge. I started from the beginning and read till 3am. I didn't even get pass the April journal entries. I read Andy's talk from the funeral, which brought both laughs and tears. I was amaze by my strength. As I read those entries, I knew what I wrote was from the Lord, not from me. The Lord was my constant companion during those days. I was only being an instrument for the Lord, sharing my testimony of Christ and His ability to bless and comfort. The Lord was showing us, how if we turn to Him during difficult times, He will strengthen us far beyond we could ever imagine. I love the scripture found in Doctrine and Covenants 84:88 "And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for i will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."




A couple of weeks ago I found this card in some of Ellie's stuff. Those who know Ellie, know what a pack rat she is and is always keeping silly things. I just about died when I opened the card and read it. It was if Rob was speaking to me today...

Welcome to Miami

Steve had a conference he needed to attend in Miami and since I have the best babysitter in the world (yes Jessica!!) I was able to join him there! Until this trip we had only spent 4 nights alone with one another. We had such a wonderful time together. Honestly, I can't think of any thing better than, shopping, laying out by the pool reading, and spending time with Steve (not necessarily in that order). Yes, I did get sun burned! I was laying by the pool reading and Steve came up during his lunch break to see me. He asked me, don't you need some suntan lotion? I was like, no I never burn! Well as the night went on, my skin kept getting darker and redder! To give credit, he never did say I told you so!

We finally made it down to south beach on Friday night. It was a little cold (high 60s) but still a lot warmer than the snow I left back in Utah!

My cousin Emilee, who lives in New York, just happened to be in Miami that weekend for her birthday. We met up at the famous Joe's Stone Crabs. We had a great time talking and celebrating her birthday! I truly feel so blessed! Even though it was hard leaving Steve in Houston, I know it is just for a short time before we will be together again. I am just so happy and can't believe my life is this wonderful! (sorry about being so cheesy, I just can't help it)

The Principle of Compensation

I love the Principle of Compensation. I've talked about it a lot in talks and my Christmas letter, but now I feel the need to talk about it more. In October 2008 General Conference, Elder Wirthlin gave a wonder talk titled, Come What May, and Love it. In this talk he mentioned the Principle of Compensation which is: The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. Elder Wirthlin goes on to say, "that which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

When I first started speaking only 7 months after Rob passed away, I knew that all would turn out well. I knew the Lord was watching over my family and this was part of the Lord's plan in our lives. I could see the many blessings we had in our lives and I had a strong faith that everything was going to be fine. As more time continued on, I knew the Lord was still blessing us, but not in the way I had imagined. As I continued to speak and share my testimony, I would testify that all would turn out right, but I was getting a little frustrated that I could not see the Lord's plan for me. I kept thinking back to the Principle of Compensation and I trusted in an Apostle of the Lord that this would be true for me too! I also knew too well that the faithful are blessed, but not always how we imagine or in the way we want. It is understanding that the Lord knows better than we do in life!

I came across a quote from Elder M. Russell Ballard, "through faith we can find peace, comfort, and the courage to endure. As we trust in God and his plan for our happiness with all our hearts and lean not unto our understanding, hope is born. Hope grows out of faith and gives meaning and purpose to all we do. It can give us comfort in the face of adversity, strength in times of trial, and peace when we have reason for doubt or anguish."

This quote explained exactly what I was doing. Trusting in Heavenly Father's plan for me. Having the hope that all would turn out wonderful. And I am here to testify that all has turned out wonderful. Not how I had imagined, but still more wonderful than I ever expected! Having Steve, Hannah and Max come into my life has been a tremendous blessing. I believed I could have joy again, but really experiencing it, is another story. It is truly wonderful! I am so glad that my faith turned into hope. I am glad I trusted in the Lord, instead of doubting His plan for me. We will all have times in our lives where we wonder if the Lord is answering our prayers, if He is listening to us. We will even have times where we have felt our prayers were not answered. Please know, He is there. Continue to have faith, continue to pray and read the scriptures and you will be blessed for your obedience.

Wedding Pictures

I know it's been FOREVER since I have posted anything and since I am avoiding cleaning my home I thought I should post some wedding pictures. I really did put our wedding together in two weeks! We wanted it very simple. We let our kids plan as much of it as they wanted. They really wanted to dance down the aisle. Our wedding was for our kids and we all had a great time!

What are you doing New Years? I'm getting married!

OK, OK, OK... I know I haven't posted FOREVER and now I am posting this! But obviously I've been way too busy to blog! I have no idea where to start, so I'll at the beginning...

This summer was kind of a hard summer. Hard in the since that I got off track. I was dating someone that I knew wasn't going to work, but yet I was trying to make it work. It's funny, but you know from the start if it's gong to work out or not. I needed to get my life back on track and I was disappointed in myself for losing focus. I was getting ready to start teaching institute, so I turned all my free time over to scripture study and my kids. I started seeing my counselor again (the one I saw after Rob's death) to make sure I was making wise choices. She is an unbias person I could talk to and someone to help me work through dating (yes I needed someone to help me so I didn't make the same mistake again). My friend Stephanie talked me into going online to a LDS dating site, just for the fun. She had met her husband online and gave me great advice. YES, I know I made fun of many people for going online...so I am sorry! I went on many first dates and went through a lot of emails. I had come to the conclusion of two things. First, men lie about how tall they are online. I am 5'5, so how is it with heels I am taller than someone who is "5'10"? And second, I honestly thought there were no strong single LDS men out there. I am talking, guys who won't watch a rated R movie or go to the store on Sunday. I was beginning to believe I was going to have to lower my standards.

So, I get a flirt from some guy in Texas. Usually I don't even look at people who send flirts, but something about him caught my attention. Plus he was in Texas! We started emailing...So he tells me his work brings him out to Salt Lake and that he would be in town if we would like to go to lunch. It's funny, looking back now, I didn't even want to go to lunch. I was so sick of first dates and the awkwardness in meeting someone in person for the first time. AND he wanted to go to Olive Garden of all the places! (Sorry if you love Olive Garden, but it's honestly one of my least favorite places to eat) To make a long story longer... our lunch lasted three hours! The only reason why it ended, was he had to catch a flight back to Houston. Now the long phone conversations start! I love my sleep so I am guessing I must really like this guy to stay up late talking to him on the phone. I realized with him I didn't have to lower any of my expectations. He loves the gospel as much as I do and is truly devoted to it! He came back two weeks later, and we were able to go out a couple times. That's how we started dating, when he was able to come out to Salt Lake. (BTW he works for Huntsman and has an office up in Salt Lake) I was heading to Portland to speak and did not know he was planning on surprising me there. He emailed Jennifer to make sure he wasn't imposing on her and mine's time. I think she was excited to meet him and agreed. During this time, I was still meeting with the counselor, making sure I was taking this slow...

When I was in Portland speaking; Steve, Jennifer and I had about 5 hours in the car to talk. I knew this would make or break it. If he drove me nuts, than it would be over. (Yes I was driving the whole time. If he had been driving...this story would have ended differently!) On that trip, I just knew. I knew he was the one. Jennifer also knew. Her and I talked about it and it was a special moment for the both of us. I didn't want to go back to my counselor and tell her I had fallen head over heals for someone. I was trying to take it slow, but I could just feel Heavenly Father's hand in my life slowly (actually quickly) showing me the way.

Now that we both knew it was right, it was time to meet all the families. I was able to fly down to Houston for Steve's birthday and meet his parents (who were visiting from Boise where Steve grew up) and his two kids, Hannah 11 and Max 7. Steve then got to meet all my family over Thanksgiving and then the Epperson's the following week. I got to meet 4 of his 6 siblings over the Thanksgiving weekend here in Salt Lake. I can say all of my family (my family includes all the Eppersons too!) was very impressed with him. I mean, he has to be a great guy to want to marry someone with 5 children! Let's fast forward to dinner on December 7th. Steve was heading back to Houston the next morning and we started joking about getting married on New Year's Eve (come on who wouldn't want the tax write offs?) We had joked about this forever, but never really thought much about it. The more we talked about it, the more the idea appealed to us both! We made a few calls, talked with our Bishops (who both agreed sooner is much better than later) and finally on Monday 14th we had the green light. So basically I have thrown together a wedding in a very short time. We will be living apart till school is out, but the weekend visits will be much more fun!

I can't explain how I can love another person besides Rob. I know it's hard for other's to understand and I hope no one has to go through what I have to learn it is able to love again. I also didn't think there would be someone out there that could love me so much! Like I put in my Christmas letter; in the Oct 2008 General Conference, Elder Wirthlin talked about the Principle of Compensation. He said, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." I remember hearing this statement and knew it had to be true, but I couldn't see how in my life. I am now seeing the full filling of this statement and can testify to the truthfulness. I am thankful for many people who have prayed for me. I know it won't be easy, but that with the Lord's help we can do all things!

Halloween 2009

Here are some pictures from Halloween. On Friday night Adrienne held her annual Halloween Party. We were all disappointed with Andy not dressing up this year. Apparently he had dressed up, but as Jeni said, his costume went a little to far. Luke and Johnjohn dressed up as Buzz and Woody. Not sure if any of you remember Jake and Robbie dressing up as Buzz and Woody. As a matter of fact, Luke is wearing Jake's costume. Robbie was sure original this year by being a football player. He has finally hit the age wear he wants candy but doesn't want to dress up. All the older kids went off with friends this year and it was just me and the monkeys. Andy and Adrienne came over and hit some houses with us. The monkeys really enjoyed trick or treating this year. Running from door to door getting candy.

Halloween Party Lesless held.

Jaxon, Kelsey, and Robbie

Luke and Johnjohn

AJ and Andy doing the annual Pumpkin Carving Contest

Adrienne's Halloween Party

Jimmy and Linzi

Mother AJ and Spidy Beck

Roddie and Hank

The whole gang!

Every year we have so much fun!

Jessica and Mick

Matty

One of Rob's best friend is Matt Elerding. This is a picture of Matt and Luke at Red Robin for I think Rob's birthday. I came across this article Matty had written and wanted to share it with you all. In typical Matty fashion, he didn't tell me about the article. Here's Matty's words:


(the rough draft of my 4th article for The Columbian. Don't be shy with your feedback.. it's not due until Wednesday!)
A Tale of Two Robs – Let me say right up front that this article, while it appears in the Real Estate section of the Columbian, is only loosely tied to the art of buying, selling and financing homes. To be candid, I just don’t have it in me to pen another depressing manifesto about the current state of real estate and mortgage lending. That being said, I have to believe that if you thumbing through this section of the Columbian then you are either employed in the real estate field, employed in the lending filed, buying a home, or selling a home – or at least some variation thereof. If this is the case then I also believe that you, like so many others in a similar role, have experienced a healthy amount of change in the past two years. If this is the case then this article is meant for you. So instead of asking you to slog through another write-up filled with the lexicon of mortgage lending or the realities of real estate, I would rather tell you a story.
It’s a story about two guys named Rob. I met the first Rob – Rob E. – in the spring of 2007. It was March and we both had the dubious distinction of being Little League Dads – a title that carries a brimming level of poignant responsibility fraught with leadership, character and, above all, an unbelievable amount of time. Rob E. and I would arrive every Tuesday afternoon, the trunks of our cars crammed with baseball mitts, bats and dirty cleats that will forever decimate the resale value of automobiles until the end of time. We would shepherd our young soldiers on to the field of battle and do our best to teach them the ways of the world on that hallowed ground known simply as the Baseball Diamond. Neither of us were official ‘coaches’ of those fearless Boston Red Sox, but being the unpaid ‘helper coaches’ of this ferocious gaggle of ten-year-old boys was a duty that we both looked forward to every Tuesday. Under the guise of coordinating baseball drills and handing out juice-boxes, we were secretly solidifying yet another chapter in the book of memories with our lookalike progeny. It was on this field, deep in the heart of Battle Ground, that I grew to admire, respect and love this father of five kids. He worked hard, treasured his beautiful wife and found time to shower five separate children with enough love to last them a lifetime. He was so very, very amazing and he made me want to be a better man.
Meanwhile, an equally incredible Rob – Rob C. – came into my life. He too demonstrated all the qualities that should be printed into a text book of how to be an amazing human being. He sold real estate for a living and had been doing quite well. He wasn’t your typical unctuous salesman. He oozed effervescence and all those he encountered knew that it was genuine and true. Despite an unwavering commitment to his career, he always managed to strike that perfect balance that allowed him to love his wife and be a role model to his three adoring children. Shortly after becoming friends with Rob C. he asked me one day, rather randomly, what was my favorite song? I answered his question with a raised eyebrow, he said ok, and we moved on. A few weeks later I called his cell phone to ask a business question and was greeted not with the standard ringing of an outbound telephone call but rather with the soothing reverie of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. I couldn’t help but smile at the simply sweetness of his gesture. It’s just the kind of guy Rob C. is; simply thoughtful and he, like Rob E., made me want to be a better man.

As 2007 began to unfold, it was apparent that maybe our collective gravy train would be pulling into the station in dire need of a massive overhaul. It started with the seemingly unstoppable real estate juggernaut coming to a grinding halt and before long virtually everyone – particularly those tied to, or even loosely tied to, real estate – was feeling a level of strain that hadn’t been felt for quite some time. All around me I saw people with this unshakable and palpable level of stress and anxiety, something that hadn’t been experienced by such a large number of people in a short period of time. Our incomes were suffering and yet those pesky monthly bills kept showing up on the 1st of every month with remarkable consistency. A lousy economy is truly an equal opportunity employer. Despite their positive outlook, the two Robs of my life were also feeling the pressures of the changing economy. Rob C. was experiencing a painful dip in his real estate business. His listed homes where not selling and his potential buyers were having difficulty obtaining financing (curse those mortgage bankers!) He was working twice as hard for half the income. He would eventually have to go through the painful experience of a short-sale on his own residence and move his family into a rental home. A few short weeks later his wife, his partner in business, would be diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Never had I seen a friend be barraged with such a tidal wave of bad news and yet through every nightmare transaction and through all the unthinkable battles of his personal life, his bright smile and infectious demeanor never wavered. Not once.
Although not directly tied to real estate or banking, Rob E. was feeling the pain of a souring economy and struggling to make ends meet with his career as well. His company had cut his hours and people were just not spending money the way they used to. But with bootstrapping endurance, Rob showed me and so many others that perseverance was not merely a choice but an obligation. It was about this time that Rob wasn’t feeling very well and he went in to see the doctor. Three days later he was diagnosed with cancer. I watched with a heavy heart as my dear friend battled Melanoma for three long and painful months. I watched as his frightened wife and terrified children saw the most important man of their life dwindle to a frail human being incapable of walking and eventually unable to wrap his once strong arms around his family. I watched as his spirit remarkably, and inexplicably, seemed to grow stronger with each passing day. My friend, bedridden and so weak he could barely muster a smile, had become the most monumental hero I had ever met. The night before Rob would eventually lose his battle, I came to his bedside. I leaned over and kissed him his brow and told him how much I loved him for making me realize what it meant to be a hero to so many people. I feel so very blessed that these two Robs came into my life and showed me a level of optimism I had never experienced before.

Here were two guys struggling with all the ills and setbacks that this life can throw at you, but through it all they maintained an attitude that seemed to permeate the jaded exterior of all those they encountered – me included. Please understand. I’m not trying to channel my inner Casey Kasem by prodding you to reach for the stars. But somewhere between tired clichés and an overwhelming sense of doom and gloom the truth lies. The two Robs showed me that for every chunk of bad, there are infinite more nuggets of good – you just have to be looking for them. There is always a laundry list of things for which we should all be grateful. Look, I’m not some Pollyanna about the bad stuff that exists out there. We’re surrounded by bad stuff. It’s everywhere. In our relationships, in our jobs, in those we love and those we don’t know. We have jobs being cut, people losing houses and parents claiming that their son is floating away in a helium spaceship in an effort to land a reality show to further exploit their children. Make no mistake – bad stuff is abound. But I also know this; there is good to be extracted out of even the simplest of moments. Sitting in a restaurant, eating with your family. Your senses pounding on all cylinders. The smell of your waitress’s perfume. The infections laugh of the toddler two tables over. The sound of the baseball game pouring from the TV mounted above. The smell of dinner wafting from the kitchen. These seemingly simple moments are loaded with all the little nuggets of life – but only if you’re open to receiving them. Listen, I know that this life is filled with daunting uncertainty and a brooding realization that maybe, just maybe, our existence isn’t going to be what we had imagined as kids while fearlessly sprinting across the playgrounds of our youth. The squashed dreams and painful realties of our lives are scattered up and down the I-5 corridor as we bumper-to-bumper our way to jobs that, frankly, we just don’t like very much. I think that sometimes we look around and feel like we’re the only ones living in a constant state of fear, disappointment and regret for a life that could have been. Fortunately we all have moments of grandeur and a realization that, if only for brief and inspired moments at a time, there is hope for the years that remain. I keep a picture of Rob E. in the sun visor of my car. He is there as a constant reminder of the man he was and the man I know I’m capable of being. I don’t keep a picture of Rob C., of course, as he is still alive. It might be difficult and slightly awkward explaining to my wife why I have a picture of another man, with crystal blue eyes, tucked into the visor of my car. Instead I just call his cell phone and listen to the beautiful notes of that famous Beethoven sonata and remind myself that we’re all in this together. And that gives me hope. And that’s a good thing.