5 weeks ago
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I don't remember crying much in front of people. Not that I was trying to be strong or put up a front that everything was just fine. I guess I am just not someone who cries a lot. I remember the first time I realized adults cried; it was during fast and testimony meeting and I must of been about six years old. I looked up at the person speaking and thought to my self, hmmmm I thought only kids cried. I also remember seeing my dad cry for the first time. My parents had dropped me off at BYU and they were walking down the hall of my dorms. My dad turned around to say good bye and he had been crying. I am sure it was a combination of how proud he was of me and also sadness for leaving his baby girl alone in another state so far from home. (My kids on the other hand have seen me cry many, many times!)
One of my memories: I went to the hospital to hear the news, the doctors have finally figured out what was making Rob so sick. I had spent the last three days at the hospital with him. We had to keep the room completely dark, because the light increased his nausea. They had him so medicated that he slept most of the time. His mother flew in the night before, so I was able to go home for the first night since checking Rob into the hospital. Jennifer showed up at my house and said I needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. I barely remember driving there and soon found myself walking down the familiar hospital halls which lead to his room. I opened the door and quickly realized something was different; the lights were on and Rob was sitting up in his bed. Our eyes met and I'll never forget the look he gave me. It's a look you never want from your spouse; I'm so sorry. I could just tell by his look that it wasn't good news. I felt my knees start to buckle beneath me and suddenly I realized Adrienne was standing next to me holding me up. She had both her arms around me and whispered in my ear, you be strong! Something in me just clicked and took over. I walked over to Rob and just held him as he cried and cried.
Eleven weeks later I was in a funeral home with Adrienne and my dad. We were picking out a casket for Rob. I sat down on the bench and just started to cry and cry and cry. I remember thinking: How could this possibly be my life? How was I picking out a casket for Rob at the age of 32? How could I go forward? Both my dad and Adrienne just hugged me. I am sure they felt the same as me. How could they be doing this for there son? I know my dad wanted to take my pain and grief away from his little girl, but couldn't. How life seemed so cruel and unfair. That was one of my darkest hours, one of the times I could not control my emotions. At the time I thought, there will never be light in my life again. No happiness, no joy, only darkness. I turned to the Lord and the scriptures for comfort. I had faith that all would turn out fine, but I didn't know how or when. Think about the sun rising, how it slowly comes over the mountains. It doesn't just start bright one second, but if you are watching it rise, you don't notice it getting brighter and brighter till after a period of time. I didn't notice that the Lord was bringing light back into life, till I would look back at where I was a month before and I could see the progress I had made. I didn't notice it from day to day, but I could see the Lord hand in my life if I looked backed over longer periods of times. I never thought I could have as much happiness in my life as I do now. I didn't think it was possible to love again. I knew the Lord would bless me, but I never imagined He would bless me so abundantly with an amazing husband and a gorgeous baby girl. My faith turned to trust. And now as I go forward, I know as I keep the commandments and go forward the Lord is always there by my side. I know for some it seems so dark and they feel as if daylight will never come, but I promise it will! So now when I cry, I truly do understand it is just for a moment, until the sun rises again!